SaveMeI'mLost

Checked Out..

I haven’t posted for so long. So much has changed since I started working, I don’t know what’s going on any more.

I’ve been alright recently to be honest. Having a bit of routine in my life has been good for me. I’ve been getting along without thinking about much.

Then last week happened. I basically had another break down. The pain came back. The pain where you feel as though there is a hole beneath your heart and you can’t breathe because you feel so digracefully low.

It came back and I didn’t know what to do. And do you know why it happened? Because I stepped on the scales.

When I saw the number that came up when I stepped on the scale, I nearly passed out. And I’m not exaggerating. Just thinking about it now, typing this, I feel ill.

I put ON weight. I broke down and cried and cried and cried. I pulled at my skin but nothing worked. The hole just stayed there, i felt like I would just die there and then. I wished I would.

I’m dieting like crazy now and i’ve already lost 5lbs in a week. When I stepped on the scale this morning and saw I was 5lbs down from last week, I still thought it wasn’t enough. I wanted to slice open my skin.

I’m getting along though.

I just have a fear of myself.

I’m scared that people will look at me.

The heavier I am, the more people will notice me.

I can’t be fat or else I might as well just stop breathing.